When you hear that a friend or family member has had a miscarriage, it can be difficult to know what to do.
Sometimes they have told you directly. Other times, you may have heard from a friend, family member, church member, or someone else close to them. You want to respect their privacy, but you also want them to know that you care.
And sometimes that uncertainty causes us to do nothing.
I understand the hesitation. Miscarriage is incredibly personal, and no one wants to say the wrong thing or intrude on someone who is grieving. But I also believe that, in most cases, doing something is better than doing nothing.
Your response doesn't have to be perfect. Reaching out simply communicates, I know you are hurting, and I care about you.
First, find out what is happening right now
When someone tells me, "I heard that so-and-so is having a miscarriage. What do I do?" there are a few questions I usually ask.
If you can appropriately find out:
-
Is the miscarriage happening right now?
-
Are they at home or at the hospital?
-
Have they already miscarried their baby?
-
Is there someone close to them who knows what they need?
These questions matter because miscarriage can be time-sensitive.
If a mother is actively miscarrying at home, she may need practical supplies and may benefit from a Precious Life Essentials Kit.
If she is at the hospital, there may be decisions that need to be made very quickly. The family may want to know that they can ask questions about their baby's remains and what options are available to them. They may also want to know that the Precious Life Pod exists so that, if they choose burial or another form of care for their baby's remains, they have something beautiful and appropriately sized for their baby.
In those situations, I would rather gently reach out than wait because I am afraid of being awkward.
If you don't know them well, find someone in their circle
Sometimes you know that someone has miscarried, but you don't know the details, and asking them directly feels intrusive.
If possible, find someone within their orbit who knows them well. That might be a parent, sibling, best friend, spouse, church member, or another trusted person.
You aren't trying to be sneaky or gather information about something private. You are trying to respect the boundaries of someone who may be deeply grieving while still finding out how you can serve them.
You might simply ask, "Would it be okay if I reached out?" or "Do you think it would be helpful if I sent them this information?"
That trusted person may also be able to tell you whether the family needs something immediately.
If you don't know the details, offer comfort
If the miscarriage has already happened, or you simply cannot find out more information, you can still do something.
This is one of the reasons we created the Precious Life Comfort Kit.
A Comfort Kit doesn't require you to know all of the details surrounding someone's miscarriage. It contains items specifically chosen to offer physical and emotional care after pregnancy loss, and it can be useful regardless of exactly where someone is in the process.
Sometimes you don't need to have all the answers. You just need a tangible way to say, I see you. I care about what happened to you. I haven't forgotten.
Don't let the fear of saying the wrong thing keep you silent
You do not need to have profound words.
You do not need to explain their grief, fix it, or make it better.
Sometimes the kindest thing you can say is simply:
"I'm so sorry. I'm thinking about you. Is there anything you need right now?"
And then listen.
If they want to talk, let them talk. If they don't, don't force the conversation. If they tell you their baby's name, use it. If there is something practical you can do, do it.
The important thing is that they know they are not invisible in their grief.
And if you don't know what to do, ask us
This is something I want people to know about Precious Life Pod: you can reach out to us.
If someone you love is experiencing a miscarriage and you aren't sure what they need, what product would be appropriate, or how to approach the situation, you can email me directly at Abigail@PreciousLifePod.com.
Tell me what you know, even if you don't know very much, and I will do my best to help you think through the situation.
There isn't always a perfect thing to say or a perfect thing to do.
But don't let that stop you from showing up.
Sometimes, the most meaningful thing we can offer a grieving family is simply the knowledge that someone saw what happened, recognized the life of their baby, and cared enough to do something.
